My huge meltdown

as you could probably guess this post is not a positive one. My kids are testing my patience very HARD the past few weeks (lets face the past few months) So as most of you know we have had a terrible winter with illness around our house. All of us have had multiple insta care, docotrs visits, and even for me a trip to the E.R. and paxton with his surgery and stay at primary childrens. I always thought getting him through the surgery and healthy again would be the last of it and i would FINALLY get to enjoy life. You see for a stay at home mom i look forward to holidays or vacations to get me out of the house and talking to other humans besides babies. And i have missed every single chance to get out of the house, and it has made me extremely depressed. But i feel like for as much as i have been dealt with i have been handling it well and trying to look for the positive in every situation. Well this past week paxton was 2 weeks post surgery and was going to have his follow up appointment on wed. which we were really looking forward too since he would get a chest x-ray and a EKG to make sure the surgery fixed everything and that he is healthy. We got up nice and early that morning so we could get everybody ready in time for his appt. well when greg when into his room to get him up he comes out and says it  looks like pax had thrown up all over his pillow, WHAT?! i go in there and sure enough he had, but at the moment he was acting totally fine, even smiling and babbling like nothing was wrong, so i thought maybe he just ate something that upset his tummy. so i continued to get him ready, and then it happened projectile vomit all over....AAAAHHHH.......NOOOO....... not today out of all the days not today. Sure enough he had the the flu, the throw up just kept on coming the rest of the morning. so we had to call the doctor and tell him we would have to reschedule because pax has the flu, they ended up calling  us back and telling us if he didnt stop throwing up by the end of the day we would have to take him up to primary children's, just because of his condition they didn't want him getting too sick. luckily he stopped throwing up around 11 am and slept most of the day, so i was grateful he didn't have to go back up to the hospital. This kid is pretty amazing he handles discomfort pretty well, he usually isn't very fussy and is really good about resting when he doesn't feel good. (paisley on the other hand is horrible and cries and fusses when she doesn't feel good) So wed. wasn't too bad paisley went over to a cousins house to play while i stayed home and nursed pax back to health. He slept through the night and woke up on Thursday in a pretty good mood, he didn't eat much which was totally fine since his tummy was probably still upset. Same on Friday. Well i was throwing a little pitty party because my family was down in st george having he time of their lives golfing and boating. And my feelings were hurt that i was stuck home with sick babies. So when greg got home from work on Friday he said lets get you out of the house, we picked to go get some ice cream. We get there order some ice cream sit down at the table and starting eating, well pax started acting fussy, so greg let him try a sip of his smoothie he got, BAD IDEA once again pax threw up, and i mean projectile vomit shooting across the table, not once but TWICE. all i heard was the the teenage girls working there saying EWWW......GROSS.....poor greg and pax were dripping in throw up. so greg rushes pax out to the car and i ask the girls for help cleaning it up, they were not going near the vomit, which was fine so i asked them for some cleaning supplies so i could clean it up myself. As i am cleaning it up feeling so stupid as other people around just staring at me watching me, paisley decides she needs to go potty NOW, grrrrrr..... so off to the the potty i take her, get back to the mess to clean up, finally get done cleaning up. as i leave throw away all our ice cream, by then we had all lost are appetite for ice cream. Get home and of course pax  starts acting fine like nothing happened which i new he would. The kids both ate a piece of bread and off to bed they went. At about 12:00 am i hear paisley wake up coughing so i go check on her and what does she do.....yep you guessed it throw up all over, i pick her up and rush her to the bathroom as she continues to throw up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! i was in shock, only because paisley had just had the flu 2 weeks prior to this, so i wasn't thinking at all that she would get sick AGAIN. So here's to another night of throwing up. She did pretty well and by the morning was  feeling allot better and even ate some toast and kept it down. She slept most of the day on Saturday. pax on the other hand was a whole different story he was not in a good mood, and i mean screaming and crying ever since he woke up that morning, we were trying EVERYTHING to get him to calm down, i could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong, he does not act like this. finally i took him upstairs in a quite room and rocked him until he stopped crying and fell asleep on me from exhaustion. i went and climbed into bed and fell asleep, i was not in a good mood at all and that's all i felt like doing. a couple hours i wake up to him screaming his head off again, do the same thing all of Saturday trying to make him happy but nothing was working. it was the longest day of my life. by 8pm i locked myself in my room and watched a good chick flick and let the tears flow. Sunday morning paisley was back to her normal self, but pax of course not, woke up screaming his head off AGAIN and was like that all day Sunday  I could not handle another bad day, i didn't want to spend another day inside all day when it was FINALLY warm and nice outside, i hadn't showered in days and my house was a MESS. so while pax took a nap i showered and got to cleaning, and i mean cleaning. non stop. He of course woke up not happy still, i was starting to panic thinking something was really wrong, that i couldn't visibly see from the outside. maybe the throwing up caused his incision on the inside to burst or something like that, i was starting to FREAK out. Greg kept telling me everything was fine. I couldn't breathe i was so panicked, everything was caving in, all my emotions just surfaced and i completely had the biggest melt down EVER.
 i'm the worst mom, i shouldn't be aloud to have kids, i don't know what i'm doing, my life is over, greg hates me, i have no help,.......blah blah blah blah, sniffle,cry,sniffle,cry. my mom called me to say they were home from st george and i couldn't even talk, like from the minute i said hello just sobbing, the kind of sobbing that you cant even make words, all i manged to get out was my weekend was HELL, and i'm so overwhelmed i think i'm going to have a heart attack and die. i'm sure she regrets calling me. lol
I was sure i had caused all this to happen to my kids, that i wasn't clean enough and that's why they kept getting sick, i mean what am i supposed to do put them in a freaking bubble. How do people have 6 or more kids?  how do you people with kids do it? how do you have a life and kids? am i doing something wrong, or do i really have this bad of luck? does everybody go through this with kids? am i ever going to see the outside world again?
OK my rant is over and my little pitty party is over, just have to get out, but i am being serious about any advice anybody can give me about being a parent, because right now i'm having a really hard time.

DownEast Home spring photo contest.

I am entering a picture of my master bedroom to win a $500.00 shopping spree to DownEast Home.

I made this Birdcage chandelier from a old chandelier from my grandma and a birdcage that i painted.

Its my favorite piece in my room. 

My style is funky,bright,and anything unique.

Home sweet Home

Can i just say how HAPPY i am to be home. I still cant  believe pax had heart surgery on Monday, was in the CICU for 24 hours and is now home!!!! He is doing wonderful, we still have to keep on top of his meds, he takes Tylenol every 4-6 hours and Oxycontin when he has break through pain. We usually just give him Tylenol during the day and then the Oxycontin at night. Which seems to be working well. He came home on another medication that helps with any fluid in his lungs, but we were able to stop doing that yesterday. When they did his chest x-ray the day we left it was a tiny bit cloudy (they think maybe the picture took when he was breathing in instead of out) so just to be safe they sent us home on that medication in case he had fluid on his lungs. Him and paisley have picked up a little congestion they both have runny noses and sneeze. so he had pretty rough night on Sunday night, but did better last night. The only thing that is sad is how skinny he has gotten. He still eats allot, and ate really well while in the hospital. But for some reason he has lost some weight, i miss my chubby baby :( they said he did go 24 hours without food, so it will take a little while to catch up.

I got to go to McKenzie's bridal shower, she is marrying my cousin Mckay.

Iit was at the Dodo restaurant. That place is so yummy, i have never been.

 I'm so excited for them to get married, she is absolutely darling.

I took this picture on Sunday.  OK people paisley is almost 4 and pax is 15 months do you see how tall this kid is?!?! He is going to be huge like his daddy. The doctors at primary children's had him categorized under infant, but they would always tell us he is a toddler, because of his weight and size he was the size of a toddler. lol his dosage for medication is the same as paisley. They still couldn't believe how big and healthy he was considering how hard his body was working to get blood flow, usually babies with heart conditions are really under weight and under developed. our pediatrician keeps saying she feels bad that she didn't catch it sooner, which is ridiculous he had no signs or symptoms AT ALL that anything was wrong. icant stop thanking her enough for catching it, and that it was the surgeon told us, "you have one dang good pediatrician".

Reese's peanut butter cookies (no butter)

It's actually snowing today in Utah. :( i guess i shouldn't be to upset, that is how our spring is. Anyways when ever its cold or rainy outside i ALWAYS get the urge to bake goodies. (i'm weird, i know) But i had a problem we are all out of butter?!?! say what, we always have butter. So i went on the internet and googled cookies without butter. Sure enough the first recipe i found i decided to try. Let me just tell you i am not the best cookie baker, in fact i keep trying and trying to get the perfect cookie. Mine are either flat and burned or under cooked and way too gooey. I follow directions exactly and can never figure out how to get the perfect cookie. This recipe has no butter in it, which i think is the secret to the perfect cookie. i know it sounds weird, but mine turned out so light and fluffy, i have never made cookies this good, EVER. I didn't have chocolate chips but i had a bag of Reese's cups, so i just opened them and chopped them into four pieces. You seriously need to try them, you will not be disappointed. Also i cooked mine at 8 min or less i never do the full 10 min.

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 3/4 cups chocolate chips, i did chopped up Reese's cups instead

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Stir together flour, soda and salt. Set aside.

Whisk together both types of sugar, oil, egg and vanilla. Add flour mixture to oil mixture and stir just until blended. Stir in chocolate chips.

Using a tablespoon measure, scoop up dough and shape into tight rounds of about ¾ to 1 inch. Space them about 2 inches apart on two ungreased cookie sheets. The mounds should be bursting with chips. Bake for 8-10 minutes. Cool for 2 minutes on cookie sheet, then transfer to a wire rack to continue cooling.

Makes about 2 dozen

more hospital pics

 Holding moms hand while in the CICU

 This is what pax looked like while he was in the CICU that big long one coming out the middle is the chest tube they placed to drain anything from his chest.

You can see in this one the mane line they placed in his arm. This would tell us his blood pressure in real time, and get meds to him really fast.

 This was him in the recovery room

This is what he looked like when he did not feel well.

 This was the first time my mom got to see him awake and playing.

 first sponge bath since surgery

 playing in the water

Look at that cute bum ;)

Pax is superman!!!

Sorry about no post yesterday, when i got home from the hospital last night i was SO tired i couldn't wait to go to bed. Pax is seriously AMAZING. So he only had to spend one night in the CICU. When he woke up that morning in the CICU he had some juice and a WHOLE banana. His stats were stable and he was off all oxygen and blood pressure medication, which is what needed to happen to move him up to the recovery floor. The only thing they wanted to do before he went up to recovery was take out his chest tube that was draining anything from after surgery. (air,blood,etc.) and he had a main line placed in his arm that they also wanted to take out. They told us when they take his chest tube out they would give him morphine because it hurts. Well before they got a chance to give him the morphine  the doctor just came in and took out, he didn't care we were telling him to wait for the morphine. So poor pax got VERY upset, obviously that tube was HUGE. and he had to be put back on oxygen because it dropped low again.  I was so upset when i saw the oxygen on him again, but they did give him morphine after they did it so but the time he got transferred up to recovery he had calmed down enough not to need the oxygen anymore. You see one thing about pax is when he gets really upset, is he does this wonderful thing of holding his breath, and it ALWAYS made is oxygen drop so they would want to put it on him. I figured out that if i was standing by him calming him down and talking to him he wouldn't do it too long and i could get him to calm down fast enough that they wouldn't rush in and give him oxygen. when we finally got settled in the recovery room the nurse told me i get to hold him. I was so EXCITED to finally get to hold him again. I couldn't in the CICU because of the chest tube and everything else he was hooked up to. The fun thing about that time was my Grandma and Grandpa had just walked in the room so they were standing there when i got to hold my baby for the first time since surgery, we were all bawling our eyes out. I was just so happy i couldn't control my emotions. Greg held him for a minute after i did, but pax was getting pretty tired and fussy, so he laid down after that and fell asleep. My mom came up a little later and when she got there he was so happy to see his GG that he stood right up in bed, which the nurses said whatever he feels like doing he can, and she brought him some food and he was shoving french fries in his mouth it was so funny. he played with her for a while, it was so cute to see him acting himself again. He then got really tired after playing and took a good 3 hour nap. once he woke up from that it was about 5 pm so he ate some dinner and was getting pretty antsy being in his crib all day so they let us take him on a wagon ride around the hospital and he LOVED it. When we got back from the wagon ride my family came up, and when he saw my dad he actually got up and walked over to him. then my dad continued to walk him around the hospital, This kid had heart surgery just the day before and he was walking around the hospital, everybody was in SHOCK at how good he was doing. then after that it was bed time and he slept through the night, the nurses didn't even come in once. He had to get up early for a chest x ray at 6 am which he was upset about but did good. and when he got back from that he fell back asleep, then around 9 he had to go get another echo done to make sure the repair was healing correctly and that everything looked ok with his heart. They of course wanted to sedate him for the echo but we new how bad he would react to the sedation so we told them we would just hold him during the echo. They were not happy at all about it, they require babies to be sedated since they have to hold REALLY still, but we promised he would, and sure enough he held perfectly still the entire time, the tech was amazed he said he had never seen a baby hold so still. after his echo he ate some breakfast and got his first sponge bath, he loved it. once we got the good news that all his tests came back perfect they said we could GO HOME, I was like WHAT!?!? i didnt think we would go home until thursday or friday. The surgeon came in and talked to us today and said pax is doing unbelievably good that he felt like he should go home. He said pax is his first patient with this surgery to go home with in 48 hours after having heart surgery. so right now we are HOME!!!! pax has been sleeping since we got home. Its been amazing to see him be so strong and handle everything so well. This nightmare is finally behind us. I'm just so happy i cant even believe how awesome this experience has been, not nearly as bad as i thought.

 Holding my baby for the first time.

 getting a burst of energy to stand up just a day after surgery.

 getting hugs from his favorite person GG

going on a wagon ride around the hospital.

 this is what he would look like when he wasn't feeling good, usually after his pain meds would kick in he would get happy again.

This is what his incision looks like. It is way bigger then what they showed me before they did the surgery. The only hard thing is we cant pick him up by lifting him under his arms, which is how you always pick up a baby, so we have to scoop him up from his bum, he has helped allot and usually when i go to pick him up he will wrap his arms around my neck so it makes it easier. it will take about 6 weeks to heal, and no baths for 2 weeks only bed baths.

 

this is my happy boy when we got home from the hospital, he was so happy to be home. he seriously was sitting on the couch giggling. 

Paxtons's big surgery day

ITS OVER!!! you can not believe the sigh of relief i have right now. We had to take pax in really early for his surgery this morning at 6 am. They took him out of my arms at 8 am to start the surgery. At about 9 we got a check in saying they had made the incision, then about 2 hours later his surgery was done and the surgeon came out and talked to us. Everything went really well, the only unsettling news was his blockage was allot more then he expected, we thought he just had a little blockage but come to find out it was almost all the way blocked, scary, and pax's body compensated for it so all his other vessels were enlarged trying to pump more blood to his body, but the good news is now that the blockage is fixed his vessels and arteries will shrink back down over time. He just said you are very lucky we caught it so soon. We then had to wait about 

45 min to got see pax in the recovery in the Cardiac ICU, and well that was a scary moment for everybody. His blood pressure was REALLY high and giving everybody a scare, and he was having a hard time breathing. I had to leave the room i was having a MAJOR anxiety attack.

but luckily after 3 different blood pressure meds, and oxygen his stats became stable. He wouldn't cry or take a deep breath so the surgeon felt like he was in allot of pain and compensating for it, so the did a nerve block on his side were they did the incision, and that helped A TON. once he got some rest, they were able to take him off the oxygen and take him off most of the blood pressure meds. I got to feed him a bottle around 8 pm and he LOVED it and cried for more, and continued to drink bottles through out the night. So by bed time he was doing MUCH better. We were told in the beginning he would stay 2 days in the CICU, but because he was doing so well so fast they told me we might get moved up to recovery tomorrow morning, and maybe leave by Thursday morning if he continues doing well. I'm so proud of my strong baby boy, he is being such a fighter and tolerating everything really well so far. I'm so thankful for everybody at Primary children's hospital they are amazing!!! I will post another update tomorrow if i can.

Pax before surgery in his cute little hospital gown.

My sweet boy in the CICU recovering. This is when he finally calmed down and started to sleep.