My huge meltdown

as you could probably guess this post is not a positive one. My kids are testing my patience very HARD the past few weeks (lets face the past few months) So as most of you know we have had a terrible winter with illness around our house. All of us have had multiple insta care, docotrs visits, and even for me a trip to the E.R. and paxton with his surgery and stay at primary childrens. I always thought getting him through the surgery and healthy again would be the last of it and i would FINALLY get to enjoy life. You see for a stay at home mom i look forward to holidays or vacations to get me out of the house and talking to other humans besides babies. And i have missed every single chance to get out of the house, and it has made me extremely depressed. But i feel like for as much as i have been dealt with i have been handling it well and trying to look for the positive in every situation. Well this past week paxton was 2 weeks post surgery and was going to have his follow up appointment on wed. which we were really looking forward too since he would get a chest x-ray and a EKG to make sure the surgery fixed everything and that he is healthy. We got up nice and early that morning so we could get everybody ready in time for his appt. well when greg when into his room to get him up he comes out and says it  looks like pax had thrown up all over his pillow, WHAT?! i go in there and sure enough he had, but at the moment he was acting totally fine, even smiling and babbling like nothing was wrong, so i thought maybe he just ate something that upset his tummy. so i continued to get him ready, and then it happened projectile vomit all over....AAAAHHHH.......NOOOO....... not today out of all the days not today. Sure enough he had the the flu, the throw up just kept on coming the rest of the morning. so we had to call the doctor and tell him we would have to reschedule because pax has the flu, they ended up calling  us back and telling us if he didnt stop throwing up by the end of the day we would have to take him up to primary children's, just because of his condition they didn't want him getting too sick. luckily he stopped throwing up around 11 am and slept most of the day, so i was grateful he didn't have to go back up to the hospital. This kid is pretty amazing he handles discomfort pretty well, he usually isn't very fussy and is really good about resting when he doesn't feel good. (paisley on the other hand is horrible and cries and fusses when she doesn't feel good) So wed. wasn't too bad paisley went over to a cousins house to play while i stayed home and nursed pax back to health. He slept through the night and woke up on Thursday in a pretty good mood, he didn't eat much which was totally fine since his tummy was probably still upset. Same on Friday. Well i was throwing a little pitty party because my family was down in st george having he time of their lives golfing and boating. And my feelings were hurt that i was stuck home with sick babies. So when greg got home from work on Friday he said lets get you out of the house, we picked to go get some ice cream. We get there order some ice cream sit down at the table and starting eating, well pax started acting fussy, so greg let him try a sip of his smoothie he got, BAD IDEA once again pax threw up, and i mean projectile vomit shooting across the table, not once but TWICE. all i heard was the the teenage girls working there saying EWWW......GROSS.....poor greg and pax were dripping in throw up. so greg rushes pax out to the car and i ask the girls for help cleaning it up, they were not going near the vomit, which was fine so i asked them for some cleaning supplies so i could clean it up myself. As i am cleaning it up feeling so stupid as other people around just staring at me watching me, paisley decides she needs to go potty NOW, grrrrrr..... so off to the the potty i take her, get back to the mess to clean up, finally get done cleaning up. as i leave throw away all our ice cream, by then we had all lost are appetite for ice cream. Get home and of course pax  starts acting fine like nothing happened which i new he would. The kids both ate a piece of bread and off to bed they went. At about 12:00 am i hear paisley wake up coughing so i go check on her and what does she do.....yep you guessed it throw up all over, i pick her up and rush her to the bathroom as she continues to throw up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! i was in shock, only because paisley had just had the flu 2 weeks prior to this, so i wasn't thinking at all that she would get sick AGAIN. So here's to another night of throwing up. She did pretty well and by the morning was  feeling allot better and even ate some toast and kept it down. She slept most of the day on Saturday. pax on the other hand was a whole different story he was not in a good mood, and i mean screaming and crying ever since he woke up that morning, we were trying EVERYTHING to get him to calm down, i could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong, he does not act like this. finally i took him upstairs in a quite room and rocked him until he stopped crying and fell asleep on me from exhaustion. i went and climbed into bed and fell asleep, i was not in a good mood at all and that's all i felt like doing. a couple hours i wake up to him screaming his head off again, do the same thing all of Saturday trying to make him happy but nothing was working. it was the longest day of my life. by 8pm i locked myself in my room and watched a good chick flick and let the tears flow. Sunday morning paisley was back to her normal self, but pax of course not, woke up screaming his head off AGAIN and was like that all day Sunday  I could not handle another bad day, i didn't want to spend another day inside all day when it was FINALLY warm and nice outside, i hadn't showered in days and my house was a MESS. so while pax took a nap i showered and got to cleaning, and i mean cleaning. non stop. He of course woke up not happy still, i was starting to panic thinking something was really wrong, that i couldn't visibly see from the outside. maybe the throwing up caused his incision on the inside to burst or something like that, i was starting to FREAK out. Greg kept telling me everything was fine. I couldn't breathe i was so panicked, everything was caving in, all my emotions just surfaced and i completely had the biggest melt down EVER.
 i'm the worst mom, i shouldn't be aloud to have kids, i don't know what i'm doing, my life is over, greg hates me, i have no help,.......blah blah blah blah, sniffle,cry,sniffle,cry. my mom called me to say they were home from st george and i couldn't even talk, like from the minute i said hello just sobbing, the kind of sobbing that you cant even make words, all i manged to get out was my weekend was HELL, and i'm so overwhelmed i think i'm going to have a heart attack and die. i'm sure she regrets calling me. lol
I was sure i had caused all this to happen to my kids, that i wasn't clean enough and that's why they kept getting sick, i mean what am i supposed to do put them in a freaking bubble. How do people have 6 or more kids?  how do you people with kids do it? how do you have a life and kids? am i doing something wrong, or do i really have this bad of luck? does everybody go through this with kids? am i ever going to see the outside world again?
OK my rant is over and my little pitty party is over, just have to get out, but i am being serious about any advice anybody can give me about being a parent, because right now i'm having a really hard time.